St. Francis in the desert

Portrait of Ramdeep Romann stammering. Oil on board 12 x 12 inches. Painting by Paul Aston.

Here are Ramdeep’s thoughts on his life with a stutter and this portrait collaboration.

“I have spent most of my life hiding my stammer, deeply ashamed of how I would be perceived by my peers if I were to block on some dreaded sound. This irrational and toxic fear was borne from a life seeing stammerers being portrayed in the most insensitive way possible on virtually every form of media I have ever watched. I cannot count the opportunities I turned down or denied myself; too many times I hid in silence instead of speaking my mind for fear of humiliating myself with this disability. For too long I thought a competent doctor should not stammer.

But finally meeting other stammerers and realising there is a whole community campaigning for our stuttered voice to be heard made me realise that I have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to apologise for. My stammer is a part of who I am, WHAT I say is more important than HOW I say it, and I will never allow it to silence me again.

This beautiful painting by my friend Paul shows me finally turning away from the darkness and facing the light, with a stammered word etched on my face but my gaze still turned forward and upwards, unashamed and uncowed. The hospital scrubs represent my new found pride in embracing myself as a doctor who stammers.”

Stammered Gaze. Portrait of Patrick Campbell Stammering. Oil on board 9 x 12 inches. Painting by Paul Aston.

Patrick is a Doctor and a co-author of 'Stammering Pride and Prejudice, Difference not Defect'. Here are Patrick's thoughts on the painting:

'I wanted this portrait to tell my story of stammering. Stammerers do not always get the chance to tell own their story. We are typically type-cast into the role of tragedy, inspiration or clown depending on what seems to best fit the occasion. The gaze of fluent people often decides how we are seen and perceived. Here, I wanted stammerers to take control of the lens/paintbrush.

I chose the location. A local park I love with cute dogs. I tried to stammer on the letter ‘P’. The letter has been a source of anguish over many years as I introduced myself, but these days I try to see stammering as a part of myself, a part of my identity. ‘P-P-Patrick’. I chose a jumper that (in theory) I own but my girlfriend spends more time wearing than me. This reflects that stammering is a shared experience, sometimes an intimate one, with others.

In the background, you may notice a magpie or two sitting among the birch trees. I wanted my northern routes to be a part of the picture as well as my stammer. The magpie is Paul’s representation of this (the symbol of Newcastle United Football Club). The birch trees are Paul’s idea too. A pioneer species that often starts off a new woodland. Make of that what you will, apparently the original black pines of the park were too difficult to integrate into the portrait.

The scene for the portrait is designed by a stammerer; photographed and painted by stammerer; of a stammerer stammering. The stammered gaze.'

Self portrait stuttering. Oil on board 23 x 31cm. Painting by Paul Aston.

I have a stutter that has helped to shape my life in several ways. Recently I have started to accept my stutter as an integral part of what makes me who I am and feel really happy about it . I've been trying to find positive portraits of stuttering in art history and have drawn a blank so far so I thought I'd make my own. The inspiration came from Giovanni Bellini's 'St. Francis in the Desert' in the Frick collection. In this painting the saints head is thrown back while he receives the stigmata. It has a strangely familiar quality to me - that temporary loss of control over your body which looks similar to the experience of stuttering. I've attempted to create the atmosphere of this temporary loss of control in this piece.

‍Effects of Mr. Angry (my stammer) in school

• Tries to make fun of me.
• I know the answer but I don’t want to say it.
• I put in the wrong answer so I don’t get stuck.
• Sometimes act like I am thinking then when I am ready to say it I say it.
• In the yard I don’t do it all because I am not worried about him, just concentrating about what I am playing.